Trying harder can become one of the most destructive forms of self-sabotage, ‘cause we’re taught that giving up can ruin your life, but no one teaches us that refusing to give up can ruin things too.
Think about a seed. You put it in good soil, you give it water, you give it sunlight, then you wait. After two days, nothing happens. Then you give it more water, give it more fertilizer, then you dig it up just to check to see if it’s growing. Still nothing. So tomorrow you dig it up just to check again, and eventually everything that you’re doing to make that seed grow faster becomes the reason that it never grows at all, because you can give a seed everything it needs. But you can’t give it your timetable.
What I think that we forget is that almost everything in life is a seed: a relationship, an opportunity, healing, an idea, even the person you’re becoming. We can help these things grow, but we can’t control every part of how or when they grow.
And this is especially hard for people who’ve been rewarded their whole lives for their effort, because when something isn’t working, we know what to do: more! try harder, work harder, think harder, love harder. Someone pulls away, so we reach out more. The door won’t open. So we push harder, and we call that persistence.
But persistence and force aren’t the same thing. Persistence says, “This is hard. What can I do?” Force says, “This isn’t going the way I want. How can I make it?” That difference matters because one of the biggest misconceptions is that every roadblock is a challenge that we’re meant to overcome. Sometimes a roadblock is information.
Sometimes lack of effort from someone else is information. The door that stays closed after every reasonable attempt is information. Not having the answer yet is information. And one of the hardest parts of being human is receiving information that you didn’t want.
So how do you know when persistence has turned into forcing? Well, here’s the tale. You’re trying to control someone else. When they respond, what they decide, how much effort they make, whether they choose you, how they feel about you, and usually, if we’re being honest, all that effort is coming from fear.
If I stop trying, things won’t turn out the way that I want, so we do more because we’re afraid of what happens if we stop, and this is where effort becomes self-sabotage.
Your effort belongs on your side of the equation. You plant the seed, you water it, you give it sunlight, but you can’t make someone else tend it, and you can’t force it to grow. Maybe that’s the hardest part.
You have to be willing to find out what happens when you stop doing everyone else’s part, because if something only works when you’re forcing it to work, that’s information too. Do your part, do it well, but then give it enough space to show you what it really is.
